Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The sound of the telephone ringing woke Frank from a dream about Vera. In the dream she had stood at the top of a silver tower reaching into the clouds. From the ground Frank heard her calling his name and began climbing up the stairs to find her. But the higher he climbed the farther away she became.

He set Vera’s journal aside to answer the telephone. It took him a moment to realize the panicked voice on the other end belonged to Anna. “Frank?”

“Anna? What time is it?”

“I don’t know. Frank, you have to come pick me up.”

“Pick you up? Did something happen to Esther?”

“Please, Frank, I can’t tell her. I’m at the police station. Can you come get me?”

Frank sat up in bed and blinked the sleep away. “Police station? What kind of trouble are you in?”

“None. It’s all a mistake. Will you come?”

“All right. Where’s the police station?” As she gave him directions her voice became small like a child’s. “Do I need to bring money for bail or anything?”

“No. Just hurry. Please.”

“I’m on the way.” He followed her directions along the darkened streets of Little Mesa. A few revelers stood outside bars after last call, drinking from bottles covered in paper bags. He could use a hit of booze himself to help recover his senses.

He never figured Anna for the type of kid to get tossed in jail. She seemed like a sweet, innocent girl, not some rowdy troublemaker. Just like her mother in that way. He couldn’t imagine either one sitting behind bars.

To find the police station, he needed only to follow the procession of cars pulling into the parking lot. From each car he saw one or both parents with mussed hair and wearing pajamas. This must be the place to be, he thought and followed the others inside.

So many people crowded the waiting room that he couldn’t see Anna. He pushed his way to the front desk. “Anna Swinton?” he asked the sergeant.

“Who are you?”

“I’m her uncle. Frank Hemsky. Is she being charged?”

“I don’t see her name on the list. You sure she’s here?”

“She called—” He felt a tug on his sleeves and turned to find her standing behind him. “There you are.”

He waited until they got outside to ask about what happened. Her words came in slow motion. “I was at a party and it got rowdy. The cops came and busted everyone. I didn’t do anything though.”

“My nose tells me differently. You bathe in that stuff?”

“Someone spilled it on me. I only took a couple sips.”

In the car Frank reached over her to light a cigarette. “What were you even doing there?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to go home.”

“Where the hell were you last night?”
“All over the place.” She checked her face in the vanity mirror and brushed hair behind her ears. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

“Where?”

“Crater Park.”

“Are you sure?”

“I need to explain some things.” She said nothing more until they reached the park with its silent carnival rides. She leaned forward against the guardrail to stare out over the dark abyss. “I’m sorry about yesterday. And at my mom’s park. And for yelling at you at the school. I don’t know what’s been happening to me lately. I had everything all figured out. I was going to get out of here. I was going to see the world.”

At these words Frank felt a shiver of déjà vu. He thought of Vera’s journal back at the Rio Rancho recounting her own attempt to see the world. He put a hand on Anna’s back. “You still can.”

“Do you ever miss her, my mom?”

“All the time. I loved her.”

“I loved her too. At least I thought I did. But anymore I don’t know. I don’t think she loved me.”

“Anna, I’m sure your mother loved you very much.”

“Maybe. Or maybe she thought I was just a big fat anchor around her neck.”

“She wouldn’t think that.”

“Ever since that day in the park I’ve been thinking about her more and more. She was never there for me, even if she was around. If I skinned my knee she’d yell at me for wrecking my pants. Every day I came home from school she would leave a note on the kitchen counter with instructions on how to heat up dinner because after she got done at the shop she always had some meeting for some noble cause. I hardly saw her on weekends unless she dragged me along to pick up litter.”

“You can’t fault her for wanting to help people.”

“But what about me? I wanted a mother, not a saint! She left me alone with movies and junk food and expected me to raise myself. She didn’t put my drawings or report cards on the fridge. When I’d show them to her, she’d just grunt and toss them somewhere.”

Frank wanted to say something comforting, but he could only think of his father. Dad calling him Sissy, Midget, or Fairy at regular intervals. Making him get up before dawn every morning for calisthenics. Every year haranguing him for not making the football or baseball teams. Scoffing at Frank’s first photographic efforts. “Any idiot can take pictures of trees and rocks. Why don’t you learn something useful like how to fly a plane?”

He supposed his father’s greatest disappointment had come from Frank not following in his footsteps. Dad tried to force him take flying lessons, but even looking at a plane made Frank queasy. He refused to even hold a gun. He wanted no part of being a soldier, much to his father’s shame.

“If you want to compare bad parents, you’re going to lose. The happiest time of my childhood was when Dad shipped out to bomb Hanoi. As much as I hated myself for it, I didn’t want him to ever come back.”

“The happiest time for Mom and I came from watching movies. We’d sit on the couch with all the lights turned out and a bowl of popcorn. I’d curl up against her and wish the movie could go on forever so she wouldn’t leave.”

Tears came to her face for the first time, but she made no move to wipe them away. “Sometimes I just wanted to be someone else’s daughter. Then she would care about me.”

“That’s not true—” When she pressed herself against his chest he didn’t know how to react. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been so close to a woman. After a moment he wrapped his arms around her and let her head rest on his shoulder.

Then she kissed him. She started with his neck and then his cheek. When he tried to protest she sucked the words away with her lips. The kiss tasted like stale beer and vomit, but after so many years Frank didn’t care. Only when he closed his eyes and saw Vera in his mind’s eye did he push Anna away. “This isn’t right,” he said.

“I’m sorry.” She looked down at the ground like a scolded child. “You’ve been so sweet to me and now I’ve spoiled everything.”

“There’s no reason we can’t still be friends. How about I take you home?”

“No, I don’t want to go back there. Not until Aunt Esther is gone.”

“Then where are you going to sleep? On the street?”

“Can’t I stay with you? For just tonight?”

As much as he wanted to tell her no, she looked so pitiful in her soiled clothes and yet so defiant in the set of her jaw. He would have to march her through the front door and keep her there until Esther showed up or else she would just run away again. At least in his motel room he could keep tabs on her. “All right. Only for tonight.”

She put her arms around his neck and smiled. “Thank you, Frank. You won’t regret it.”

He already did, but didn’t say anything. She asked to ride in the backseat and he agreed. All the better to keep her from kissing him again. She curled up on the seat and napped during the short ride from Crater Park to the Rio Rancho. “We’re here,” he said.

She stirred as if she’d been asleep for eight hours. “I’m sorry. I’m just so tired. I can’t remember the last time I slept.”

He led her inside and stopped her before she could collapse onto the bed. After rummaging through his suitcase he handed a T-shirt and pair of sweatpants to her. “Those clothes look as if they’ve had the course.”

“I only bought them two days ago.”

“Maybe you can get your money back.” She smiled and then took the clothes into the bathroom. While she changed he took a pillow from the bed and pulled the armchair over into the farthest corner from the window. It wouldn’t make for a comfortable bed, but he had slept in worse places. At least he didn’t have to worry about a pack of hyenas tearing him to shreds like during his safari in Kenya.

“Are you sure you don’t want the bed?” Anna asked from the bathroom doorway. On her body his shirt exposed her bellybutton and his pants went to only mid-calf. She had scrubbed the grime and make-up from her face, but her skin still glowed.

“I’ll be fine.”

She hopped onto the bed and pulled the covers up to his chin. Frank got up to turn out the light and then retreated to his corner for the night. “Frank, tell me about my mother.”

“What about her?”

“What happened between you two?”

“We each made a choice.”

He had taken her up to Acadia National Park and as the sun went down they stood atop Cadillac Park overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. He had an arm around Vera’s shoulders and her head against his cheek. The sky burned in vibrant shades of red, orange, and yellow. The water shimmered like a sea of light. He wished he had brought his camera, but he would have the rest of his life for photographs. For now he had something more important to do.

“It’s beautiful,” Vera said.

“That’s not the only reason we came up here.” Frank pulled away from her and got down on one knee. From his jacket pocket he took out a velvet-covered box and showed her the ring. Only a chip of diamond shone in the light, but in time he would buy her a more extravagant ring. “Vera, will you marry me?”

She pressed both hands to her mouth. “Oh my God. Frank, I want to, but I can’t.”

“I know we’re young, but you remember those pictures I sent to Nature magazine?”

“Yes, but—”

“They bought two of them.” He stood up to take Vera’s hands. “This is just the beginning. When we get back I’m going to quit school and photograph full-time.”

“What are you going to do for money?”

“Things might be tight for a little while, but we can make this work. The two of us, traveling all over the world together. We’ll go everywhere. Every day will be just like this.”

“I can’t.”

“You want to stay in Portland forever? Working two jobs like your mom and married to some sleazy dockworker?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Come with me. I love you.”

She turned away to stare out at the ocean. Frank could see her shoulders tremble and went over to comfort her. She pressed her head against his neck so that he could smell the ocean in her hair. “Why did you have to do this?” she said, her voice muffled by his body.

“Do what?”

“This! We had everything. Why are you making me choose?”

“Choose? Between what?”

When she looked up, tears smeared her face. “Susan has one year of high school and Esther is still in junior high. I can’t leave them now.”

“You’re not their mother! You don’t have to take care of them.”

“You can’t understand, Frank. You never had to take responsibility for anyone.”

“What about me? What am I supposed to do? Go back to school for some degree I don’t want so you can babysit your sisters?” He tilted her head up so he could look into her eyes. Those eyes as dark and mysterious as an ocean. “There are only two things I love in this world, Vera. Photography and you. I can’t choose between you.”

“Just wait a little while. Once Esther’s in college we can go anywhere you want.”

“That’s five years. I can’t wait that long. Photography is all I’ve ever wanted to do and now is my chance.”

“I’m sorry, then, Frank.” Vera started down the mountain trail alone, leaving him standing there with the ring still in his hand.

He followed her back to the motel room and found her packing. “How are you going to get home? We’re almost two hundred miles from Portland.”

“I’ll hitchhike to Bangor and take the bus.”

Frank closed the lid of her suitcase and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Vera, please. We can work this out. Until Esther graduates I can come back and see you on holidays or whenever I’m nearby. I’ll call you every day from the road. I’ll send you postcards from every stop. Just, please, don’t go.”

She took his hands and smiled. “All right Frank, we’ll make this work.” She kissed him on the lips with a passion he had never experienced. They tumbled onto the bed in a heap, laughing like children. While they made love Vera whispered, “I love you” over and over again. After they finished, she collapsed next to him on the bed, resting her head on his chest. He buried his hand in her long hair and then fell asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, his hand rested on the cool sheets. He looked around the motel room, but Vera and her suitcase had already gone. On the desk he found a note written on motel stationary in her handwriting. “Frank, I’m sorry but I have to go. It’s easier this way. I know you’ll never understand why I can’t go with you. In another time with different circumstances we could have been together forever. But just know that I love you and I want the best for you. Please, go now and don’t look back. The world is waiting for you. Love, Vera.”

He stared at the note for a long time, reading the words over and over again. Then he crumpled the paper and threw it against the wall. She had made her decision. She had chosen her sisters over him and the love they shared.

He packed his things and checked out of the motel. By the time he stopped for gas he had left Portland and Vera behind. “I could have gone back to Portland and found her, but I never did,” Frank said, but Anna had already fallen asleep.